As far as I can remember I have always been an INTENSE (the polite term) not to say “TO MUCH”
I am a colorful character and I am aware of it. To the delight of some and the despair of others. We can not be unanimous who say. Something that I know today at 39 years old but that I still manage very badly to manage. Because the "TOO MUCH" is very sensitive in the background and she has a great insatiable need for love and approval behind this facade.
I was a child and I was already extroverted, I had this ease in communicating, a natural for attracting people and creating links. It was innate in me.
With hindsight I realize that yes, of course, it's part of my DNA, you just have to spend 5 minutes with Nicole (my mother) the authority on extravagant personality to understand where this liveliness comes from. .
I realized the hard way as a teenager that you couldn't please everyone despite all the good intentions in the world. I have always done more than others to make myself loved. I had a big mouth, I took up space and I was pretty (by social standards). I disturbed more often than not, in spite of myself.
By clumsiness, I was probably TOO ALL in the eyes of many people. By wanting to make people laugh, by wanting to create links and to be accepted, I often disturbed. This unhealthy mechanism has always been a reflex. I always had this feeling of having to do more than the others to prove that I am not just pretty or a threat.
This feeling is with the fairer sex that I have felt it the most, I have so often been judged, jealous and the victim of gratuitous gossip about me.
I'd be lying to tell you I was on top of it all...I cried, tried to figure out what was wrong with me and even tried to be a calm, BEIGE version by myself... but without success! SORRY NOT SORRY!
My best friend who knows me so well recently told me quite banally when telling me about an anecdote of a girl she met at a party that she had the reputation of being "TOO MUCH", but that she was not afraid of the “TOO MUCH” since she was the best friend of a “TOO MUCH” myself.
She told me that I was too much positive, that I always made the world feel good and happy around me, that I got people involved and that I was funny, it made me feel good , she doesn't even know how much❤️
For her it was a simple fact to relate to me, but for me it was a questioning. The millionth you will tell me, because I tend to torture myself solidly with my daily introspections. It's as if I half assumed myself as a girl who takes up space, because to be told TU ARE TOO MUCH makes me perplexed and I wonder if in the end I'm not burying other people less exuberant than me without realizing it and causing harm without knowing it.
Life is however well done and there are events that happen to us and that hurt, but which are a necessary evil in order to make us grow.
In the fall I was the victim of gratuitous and nasty comments by a stranger and an acquaintance whom I thought was a friend in the same week. Then despite all the progress I thought I had made so far I still came back to my old pattern and I was devastated, I cried, I tried to understand why they didn't like me, that could I have done so that they weren't "down" with me. Then after reflection I regained the upper hand and I asked myself the real question, why do I really need someone to love me at all costs?
I decided to put energy on those who love me and not to put energy to make me loved by those who don't love me anyway...
This reprogramming at 39 is no small task. But I have really progressed since the birth of my son, I have drawn my self-confidence from him and this has greatly helped me to seek less approval from everyone.
Then the biggest THANK YOU is to my fantastic friends, the real ones who have always been there. Those who have always been able to see and appreciate more than myself the good person that I am.
Ironically for them what they like the most about me is precisely that MY INTENSITY I am their “too much favourite”. They led me to ask myself the right questions and to focus on those who love me as I am and who don't see me as a threat but as a plus in their lives❤️ so I would say to those who will recognize themselves such a banal thank you full of gratitude🙏🏻❤️
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